A tribute to my mother…

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Shortly before Mother’s Day in 2004, I flew from Stockholm to New York, not to wish my mother a Happy Mother’s Day in person, but to say my final goodbyes as she lay dying of pancreatic cancer.  The cancer had spread quickly to her liver and lymph nodes; the doctors told us she wouldn’t make it past May.  I had given birth a month earlier to my second child, a son, and my mother wanted to see and hold him while she was still sitting up and clear-headed.  Her situation was so grave, I didn’t know if she would outlive my 8 ½ hour flight from Stockholm.

Although I was now a mother of two, I became a child again in the face of my own mother’s cancer.  Words like “terminal” and “do not resuscitate” made no sense since my worst childhood nightmare had been realized.  I was very attached to my mom and couldn’t imagine life without her.  As a kid, I checked up on her while she slept to make sure she was still breathing.  Moving to Stockholm hadn’t altered the closeness of our relationship.  We spoke on the phone almost every day and I came to visit for several weeks in the summer.  My mother was the heart, soul and rock of our family.  She was the most unselfish person I knew and always available for me and my older sister, despite commuting forty minutes from home every day to work as a French teacher and then coming back to tutor other kids in the afternoon.  She sewed most of our clothes, made home-cooked meals every night, and drove us to our activities.  Above all, she was always fully present and never seemed distracted.  We had wonderful conversations around the kitchen table about her childhood in Haiti and what it was like when she and my father moved to New York in the late ‘60s.

I have my mother to thank for my love of reading, art, classical music, and all things beautiful.  We often woke up on Sunday mornings to the drumbeat of Ravel’s Bolero on the record player.  My mother had a set of leather-bound books that she purchased via an installment plan and I loved to turn the gold-edged, tissue-thin pages, struggling to understand Shakespearean English.  Her favorite perfume was First by Van Cleef & Arpels; I kept her last, half-used bottle and am overwhelmed by memories of her whenever I smell it.  After my sister and I became salary-earning adults, it felt completely natural for us to treat our amazing mom with a trip to Paris for her 50th Birthday.  An ardent Francophile, she could finally visit the Louvre, Versailles and charm Parisians with her impeccable French.  The trip was a success, though in true Mom form, she was never really clear about her exact age and had already turned fifty a couple of years earlier!  But we didn’t know this at the time.  My sister and I would discover our mother’s true year of birth much later, when we prepared her death certificate.

My mother taught me how to live a life of purpose filled with love, compassion, service and kindness.  And during those grief-filled days in May, my mother was also teaching me how to die.  I don’t know if she had already gone through Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief.  Aside from denial and bargaining, I have a difficult time imagining my mother angry and depressed because that’s not how she approached life.  She was of a generation that just got on with it, without any drama or fanfare.  However, she exuded a peaceful acceptance by the time I reached her bedside.  A spiritual person, she could put her life in perspective and considered me and my sister her greatest sources of joy and accomplishment.  She rarely complained about the excruciating pain piercing her abdomen and never once asked, “Why me?”

My mother left us on May 24th that year.  It was devastating, a loss from which I haven’t fully recovered, but I’m comforted by all the lives she touched.  At her funeral, the church was teeming with family, friends, colleagues and students who wanted to say thank you and pay their last respects.

I miss my mother every day and am so grateful she had been mine for thirty-two years.  My biggest regret is that my own children didn’t have the chance to know and love her the way I did.

 

Welcome to my website!

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My name is Jennifer Dahlberg and I’m a writer living in Stockholm, Sweden, with my Swedish husband and our two children.  Moving to Sweden was a big change for this native New Yorker, but I’ve always been curious about other countries and cultures and my years here have filled me with tons of inspiration and, hopefully, perspective.  Sweden has also given me the opportunity to pursue my passion: writing.  I’ve been an avid reader my whole life and joined the newspaper, yearbook and literary magazine in high school.  I then went on to study political science in college with the goal of becoming a journalist.  However, my life took an unexpected turn (love!) and I decided to spend it abroad.  Luckily, writing is a portable career and I wrote my debut novel, Uptown and Down during my first few years in Stockholm.  There’s something to be said for the long, dark winters here; going outside seems like a dismal proposition, so one is compelled to hunker down, focus and get things done.  Work hard from November – March and you’ll be rewarded with longer, leisurely daylight hours from April – August.

This time of year is a moment of renewal and it certainly reflects how I feel right now.  After years of hard work, I’ve finally finished the manuscript for my second book, Lagging Indicators.  Writing requires intense commitment, often at the expense of anything superfluous.  In a few months, Lagging Indicators will find its way into the world and I now have the time—and courage—to share my thoughts and ideas with you.  While this website will be primarily about my writing and what unleashes my creativity, I also draw inspiration from everything around me: my children, nature, art, music, fashion, design, travel, literature, popular culture, politics, news, food…  Anything from a road trip in India to watching a basketball game with my son can get the “wheels in my head turning,” as I like to say!  This website will give me a platform to express myself on a broad range of topics and perhaps I can inspire, inform and entertain.  I also welcome your feedback. I want us to have a dialogue because writing can be a pretty lonely vocation :).  Thank you for joining me on this journey!